The Secrets to building Healthy Relationships

Jim Campbell: Relationship Coach

The Secrets to building Healthy Relationships

Addicted to Love

What Is Love Addiction?

New research reviews love addiction and its potential treatments.

Jim Campbell

January 13th, 2021

Love is in the air; we are only a few days away from Valentine’s Day. I love this time of the year. In fact, I love love.

And I love seeing people in love. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if intense romantic love lasted forever?

But what if such a desire for love becomes excessive in some people? Could love become an addiction? In a paper, published in the January-March 2019 issue of European Journal of Psychiatry, researchers Sanches and John discuss love addiction and its treatment.1

1475341/Pixabay

What is Love Addiction

Love addiction (also known as pathological love) refers to a “pattern of behavior characterized by a maladaptive, pervasive and excessive interest towards one or more romantic partners, resulting in lack of control, the renounce of other interests and behavior, and other negative consequences” (p. 39).1 In love addiction, immature love—love that is uncertain, external, blind, and beyond one’s control—permeates one’s life.

Prevalence of pathological love is 3-10%, but likely higher in certain populations (e.g., 25% in college students).

Pathological love must be distinguished from other conditions, such as dependent personality disorder or borderline personality disorder; in these disorders, the pattern of dysfunctional behavior is not limited to romantic love.

Love addiction also differs from psychotic disorders, sex addiction, and erotomania—a delusional disorder characterized by the assumption that another (usually high-status) person is in love with the individual.

What kind of Disorder is love Addiction?

There is no consensus on the diagnostic criteria for love addiction, nor agreements on what kind of disorder it is.

For instance, pathological love may be an impulse-control disorder—characterized by impulsivity and novelty-seeking.

Others believe pathological love is a mood disorder. Presumably, people with love addiction experience mood states (e.g., hypomania and elation) similar to those who are falling in love or are in the early stages of intense romantic love.

Another possibility is that love addiction belongs to the obsessive-compulsive spectrum; like people with obsessions, those with love addiction might experience repetitive and intrusive thoughts—except that their obsessions will be related to the person they love and not, say, health or cleanliness concerns.

Other researchers have proposed love addiction might be best understood as a biaxial continuum—with the vertical axis representing attachment-related behaviors, and the horizontal axis indicating reward-seeking and impulsivity.

For instance, in some individuals, high impulsivity and reward-seeking behavior would co-occur with high levels of attachment behavior, resulting in obsessive or dependent kind of love; in others, high reward-seeking and impulsivity would co-occur with attachment deficits, resulting in high sexual interest and having multiple sex partners.

Due to the compulsive nature of love addiction, some have wondered: Could pathological love be an addiction? Obviously some researchers believe it is—hence the name, love addiction. Nevertheless, addictions appear to be very different from preoccupation with love: They involve ingestion of a chemical substance, craving, tolerance, withdrawal, desire to stop using but not being able to, and impairment in daily functioning.

If pathological love is an addiction, then it must be a behavioral addiction. Behavioral addictions (like gambling addiction) do not require the consumption of a psychoactive substance, but they share other characteristics with substance addictions.

For instance, like a person in early stages of drug use, people addicted to love might at first experience intense pleasure, satisfaction, and euphoria.

Then they become preoccupied with these experiences, showing signs of dependence like “increased amounts of the behavior to achieve the desired emotional effect”—in this case, “increased time spent love-seeking.

Other signs of addiction to love would include “urges to continue engaging in the behavior despite trying to stop,” such as feeling alone and desperate when no longer in a relationship; and “persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control the behavior,” such as deciding to never fall in love again, yet replacing “ended relationships immediately.”2

Mediamodifier/Pixabay (modifications: Arash Emamzadeh)

Treatment for pathological love. In their review, John and Sanches found few research studies on treating love addiction—none on pharmacological treatments, and only one on psychotherapeutic approaches.

Use of self-help groups (e.g., “Women Who Love Too Much”) was the most common psychosocial intervention

THE END

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Do You Ever Ask Yourself If You Are Picking The Right Person To Marry?

Comment by Jim Campbell

January 5th, 2021

Wow, that’s the sixty-four-thousand dollar question, in to days money make it sixty-four million dollar question.

It’s a commonly asked question: “How do I know if I’m marrying the right person?”

How to Marry the Right Person.

Finding Miss or Mr. Right is not always an easy thing to do.

Once you think you have found the right person, you may have doubts.

Having doubts about who you are marrying is not only normal but healthy. [Source]

Hopefully, you already know that you should not marry someone who drinks too much, spends too much, works too much, brags too much, uses drugs or other illegal behavior, has been unfaithful, cruel, dishonest or abusive.

If your future spouse is free of those destructive behaviors and you are still having doubts about getting married, read through these statements.

You will see if your doubts are reasonable and worth paying attention to, or if you are having cold feet about proposing without having any rational reasons.

Happiness and Emotional Support

Although expecting a spouse to make you feel happy all the time is unreasonable, being with the right person can bring happiness and a sense of personal strength to your life.

You will know you are marrying the right person when you feel support and encouragement about your own growth both emotionally and intellectually.

The right person will want you to be emotionally healthy and able to stand on your own two feet.

When you are with the right person, you will feel good about yourself, safe, and fulfilled.

The right person will not be negative, selfish, wishy-washy, silent, embarrassing, critical, or a slob. Why spend your life with a jerk?

Affection, Love, and Sex

It is important that the person you marry is someone who is understanding and agreeable to your wants and needs when it comes to sex and affection.

(Photo by Wodicka/ullstein bild via Getty Images)

You will know you are marrying the right person if your future spouse says, “I love you,” not only in words spoken but by loving actions.

We define loving actions as doing things such as noticing when you are tired, remembering your birthday, wanting to spend time with you, listening to you, showing you respect, calling if you are running late, showing you affection, being patient with you if you don’t understand something, kissing you hello and goodbye, and hugging you for no particular reason.

You will know you are marrying the right person if you are sexually compatible with one another.

If the two of you view sexual intimacy differently or have vastly different libidos, your marriage relationship will suffer.

The right person is someone who you like and who is your friend. The right person will enjoy spending time with you. Your love and your marriage will slowly fade if the two of you are not friends.

The right person is kind, considerate, and polite.

Little things in life such as saying ‘thank you’ and holding a door open may seem old fashioned, but they do reflect the amount of caring and kindness in a person.

Communication, Goals, and Values

You and the right person will have similar goals and values in life.

Having different likes and different opinions is okay as long as the two of you agree to disagree.

Although you may not always agree with one another, conversations with the right person will be interesting and not boring.

The right person will communicate thoughts and feelings with you and will not keep hurts and concerns bottled up inside.

Understanding that the only constant in life is change, the right person is willing to discuss marriage issues, questions, and topics with you both before and after you get married.

The right person will encourage you to make decisions to live a healthy lifestyle by eating healthier foods and getting exercise.

The right person will want to work with you to balance your work and personal lives.

Feeling as if you are the only one picking things up around the house or taking care of the kids can get old.

The right person is willing to share in the responsibilities of your home and future children.

Finding the right person doesn’t mean that the two of you won’t have difficulties or differences to deal with.

However, with the right person, you will know that the two of you will be able to work through the issues that could hurt your relationship.

You should also believe that your partner would seek professional help if you both were unable to work things through on your own.

Trust and Honesty

The right person is honest with you.The right person will trust you and not monitor your phone calls or computer usage, or limit the amount of time you spend with others you care about. You will know you are marrying the right person if your future spouse does not try to isolate you from your family and friends.

You not only need to belong to family, friends, groups, etc., but you also have the right to do so.

The right person in your life will not try to control your life but will want to share a life with you.

The wrong person will make you feel as if you have to walk on eggshells in order to keep peace in your home.

You should not have to defend wanting privacy or time alone. You will know you are marrying the right person when you are not questioned about your need for time alone or personal space.

The right person will trust you and not spy on you. Feeling as if you have to justify your every move will become a very heavy burden.

Red Flags in Your Relationship

If you realize that there are red flags or problematic issues in your relationship, don’t ignore them or delude yourself into thinking that the red flags aren’t that important or that someone you love will change.

Am I Marrying The Right Person?

Picture

Firstlyif you are looking into personal development, personality type, or psychological state management, you need to take a look at our free MP3 designed to ‘tune’ your brainwaves.  To get it, click here

According to Louisiana State University, eighty-eight percent of adult Americans (between the ages of 20 and 30) believe that they have a “soul mate” somewhere (Dr. Phil, 2015).

Moreover, according to the National Center for Health Statistics, approximately 60% of marriages end in divorce (Dr. Phil, 2015).

“Have you been dating your partner for a while, and have come to the conclusion that he or she may just be the “one?”

How do you know if you are picking the “right” person to marry?

If you are pondering these important questions, you have come to the right place. This article will help you determine if your partner is the “marrying kind.”

Truth-be-told, one of the most devastating things that can happen on a wedding day is either the bride and/or groom gets “cold feet.”

In other words, the bride or groom becomes unsure if he or she really wants to get married…to the other person.

One or both people may question if his or her partner is the “best fit” for him or her.

In most cases, the tension and feelings of doubt have been mounting for a while. In fact, most people rarely wake up one morning and question whether or not their partners are “right” to marry.

When this occurs, problems in the relationship have either been swept under the rug, or one or both people want to get “married” no matter what.

That being said, I still recommend that you test this ‘MP3’ designed to ‘train’ your brainwaves to optimal states.

This is free through our site when you click here.

Women have a tendency to think that they can somehow “change” their partners once they are married, but unfortunately that is usually not the case.

In the same vein, men often think that the relationship will somehow “get better” once the couple is actually married, sadly, this too, rarely happens.

You can save yourself a lot of future problems by making sure that you are indeed marrying the “right” person.

It is imperative that you are 100% positive that you are making the “right” choice before walking down the aisle and committing yourself to one another before your friends and family.

It is also important to note that the only thing worse than marrying the “wrong” person is having to live with your decision.

The last place you want to end up at is in divorce court, so take your time now, and get to know the person you plan to marry.  

Are You Marrying the Right Person?

Evaluate Your Feelings

One way to determine if you are picking the “right” person is to evaluate how you feel when you are with your partner.

Does he or she make you feel good about yourself and your relationship, or does he or she leave a bad taste in your mouth?

If your partner makes you feel insecure, weak, sad, disrespected, upset, nervous, “stupid,” and/or “less than,” then he or she is probably not the “right” person for you.

However, if your partner makes you feel strong, confident, happy, excited, respected, cherished and important, you have probably made a good choice in partner. 

Spend Time Apart

Yes, that is right, one of the “best” way to determine, if you are picking the “right” person to marry is to spend time apart.

As the old adage states: “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” therefore spending time apart can actually help your relationship get stronger.

It can also show you a different side of your partner that you may not see when you are constantly around each other.

Moreover, it will give you both things to talk about when you are together.

This may actually be the time when you realize that you and your partner do or do not have much in common.

A healthy relationship is one in which you feel confident enough to leave for a while.

It doesn’t matter if it is to visit friends and relatives, go to work, attend college courses, or just spend time by yourself – shopping, reading, sleeping, watching television, playing video games, shooting hoops, etc., the key is to feel secure enough in your relationship to enjoy those times.

If you don’t feel “good” leaving your partner, or he or she makes you feel “bad” for wanting some time away, he or she may not be “right” person for you to marry.

It is important to have a healthy balance between spending time together and spending time apart.   

Heed Warning Signs

The worst thing you can do is ignore, push aside, or rationalize important warning signs.

It is common for people to justify or dismiss warning signs when they are “in love.”

Truth-be-told, no one wants to believe that the person he or she loves may not be “right” for him or her.

But, unfortunately this could be the case. If your partner does not enjoy or engage in similar activities, if he or she makes you feel “bad” about yourself, if he or she criticizes and degrades your family members and friends, if he or she is constantly negative around you, and/or if he or she is an active drug abuser, alcoholic, and/or criminal, then you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship.

In this case, your partner is probably not the “right” person to marry.

Do not ignore warning signs – they can save you from making the biggest mistake of your life.

Listen to Your Gut

Although most people pay little attention to their gut feelings, it is important to go with the internal voice in your head, when trying to decide if you are picking the “right” person to marry.

In fact, one of the most important ways to determine if your partner is the “marrying type” is to follow your instincts.

If something in your heart and head tells you “something just isn’t right,” go with that feeling. Why?

Well, your gut is probably right, even if you don’t want to acknowledge or accept it.

Re-evaluate your decision to marry your partner.

You may decide that what is “bothering” you is one of your own “hang ups” or you may determine that the issue is trivial, and can be addressed with your partner. 

However, you may, in some cases, decide that you can’t get past your uneasy feelings – in this situation, it may be best to move on to someone, who can truly make you happy.   

Considerations

Refrain from having unrealistic expectations for your partner.

He or she, like yourself, is not “perfect.” In other words, everyone makes mistakes, do not push away a person who loves and respects you because of simple mistakes.

Don’t misunderstand, I’m not suggesting that you marry someone simply because he or she treats you well, but what I am suggesting is that you follow your heart, and if need be, re-evaluate what you are looking for in a partner and future spouse.

You can still marry your “soulmate” even if he or she does not look like a 6 foot model with blue eyes, beautiful hair, lots of money, and an outgoing personality.

You may be surprised what really makes you happy, if you sit down and think about it.

The “right” person to marry may just be the quiet librarian or the “geek” with the receding hairline.

Be open and love will find you.  

Dr. R. Y. Langham

It does take more than love to have a successful marriage.

THE END

Things You May Want to Consider Before Choosing a Life Partner

Comment by Jim Campbell

January 5th, 2020

There is probably no bigger decision a couple makes that to take the sacred vows of marriage.

Marriage is like a business partnership, it’s contractual with a for a sickness and health clause.

Trust when I say, a prolonged illness on the part of the wife will may likely to make the husband leave, and many med are natural born medical experts.

Groom And Bride Point Head To Head Lovely Sunset Background Loving Concept

Choose someone who respects you

Shared values

Willingness to invest in the relationship

Choose an honest life partner

Consider a life partner keen on your life

Ability to cope with your family

Assess the intellectual level of your partner

Nurture great friendships first

Anger management skills

Ability to forgive and forget

How to find a life partner or choosing the right life partner is a high stake decision and it starts with understanding what to look for in a life partner.

Finding the right partner is essential for a happy and healthy marriage

As pleasant as it may sound it can be very confusing to choose your life partner. As an individual you need to know what do you look for in a relationship and how to choose a life partner.

Furthermore, you need to ascertain the qualities of a good partner in marriage before choosing the right partner for a lasting relationship.

So, if you are trying to figure out how to pick your life partner or things to look for in a partner. Below are 11 recommendations to consider before choosing a life partner.

1. Choose someone who respects you

It is difficult to lead your life with someone who disrespects you, your personality or downplays your ambitions in life. When choosing a life partner be sure to select someone who will respect all aspects of your life. Mutual respect is one of the defining traits to look for in a life partner.

2. Shared values

Having shared values reinforces the foundation of your relationship. Simple things such as consensus on the number of children you want or living within your means create a conducive environment for your relationship to thrive.

Couple In The Kitchen Loving Romance Concept

3. Willingness to invest in the relationship

A relationship is a two-way street. Each party must be determined to make the relationship work. When choosing the right partner for marriage select a person who allocates time for you and demonstrates concern for your needs.

4. Choose an honest life partner

If a relationship is not enshrined in a culture of honesty and trust, it will definitely fail. To build a culture of honesty and trust in your relationship, choosing a life partner who does not refrain from open and genuine communication is important.

Choose an honest life partner

5. Consider a life partner keen on your life

A person willing to be in a long-term relationship with you will show genuine support for your ambitions and goals in life. Your potential life partner should be supportive of your plans to advance your career or pursue a worthy course.

6. Ability to cope with your family

Your family will always be a key support system in your life. They can tell if your prospective life partner is suitable or unsuitable for you. If he or she cannot cope with your family members, you might be choosing a life partner who is not right for you.

ability to cope with your family

7. Assess the intellectual level of your partner

If you are a high achiever and aggressive in pursuing your dreams, consider a person with the same attributes. Choosing a laid-back person could cause problems in your relationship. Both of you must view things and reason almost from the same standpoint. Out of all the factors to consider in choosing a lifetime partner similar intellectual prowess. 

8. Nurture great friendships first

Having a network of true friends provides perspective as you prepare for a relationship. Great friendships provide a basis for what love ought to be.

They demonstrate that love should be purely based on choice as opposed to any need.

Nurture great friendships first

9. Anger management skills

A relationship involves two people with unique personalities. At times, you might have ugly arguments in which negative emotions are high.

You might say hurtful things about one another. How your potential life partner reacts to anger reveals a lot about future reactions.

If your prospective life partner cannot handle anger well, the situation can get out of control when you get married. 

Ability to mange or control their anger are some vital qualities of a good marriage partner.

10. Ability to forgive and forget

Closely related to anger management skills is your partner’s ability to forgive and forget. Love does not always revolve around sex, kissing and other intimate stuff.

Arguments are deemed to occur in one way or another. Be keen to get a partner who does not keep dwelling on disagreements that happened in the past.

ability to forgive and forget

11. Consider taking the Rice Purity test

This test entails a set of have you ever questions in which you are supposed to give a yes or no response.

The questions entail issues such as sex and drugs.

The test assesses your “purity” level. Look for a comprehensive guide about Rice Purity test to get more useful information.

To wrap up, if you are wondering  how to choose the right partner for marriage, you have to use both your heart and brain when choosing a life partner.

H/T Nidhi

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https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl

Why are Divorce Rates Rising In Americans?

Comment by Jim Campbell

January 3rd, 2021

Divorce is far more complicated than can ever be expressed in this format.

Example, I was married for 38 years, we did so many things together, she was my best friend, then one day I came home from a dive trip in Fiji and she was gone.

We talked, but never really communicated.

Be careful to not allow yourselves to fall into this trap.

It looks like the Baby Boomers are making history again. Well, the Boomers have done it again.

You say you want a revolution? It’s here, all right, in the form of record divorce rates among older Americans.

Demographers have dubbed it “the gray divorce.” Absolutely, younger couples with less […]

The divorce rate is currently around 50%.

Why do most marriages end in divorce and why do women initiate most divorces (around 70%)? This video explores these topics in more detail.


The reason for most divorces comes down to the fact that men continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.

Remember, women are reactive, emotional creatures and they simply react to their environment.

It’s much easier for a man to change his behavior and elicit a change in the woman’s behavior.


So, if you’ve been making the same mistakes over and over (i.e., acting weak and needy), it’s time to change before your girlfriend leaves you or your wife divorces you.
Why Women Initiate 70% Of All Divorces Study:

H/T InfiniteLove.com@Wordpress.com

THE END

People feel happier being with friends than their spouses, but there’s a catch

New study shows that the overall time spent with a spouse or partner yields the lowest levels of happiness, compared to friends or other relatives.


DALLAS, Texas — Home may be where the heart is, but a new study finds spending time with family doesn’t always make us happy. Researchers say people tend to be happier when they’re with friends than they are with their romantic partner or children. Your family shouldn’t feel too insulted however, as a lot of it has to do with what you’re doing, not whom you’re doing it with.

Southern Methodist University professor Nathan Hudson finds people report higher levels of happiness while spending time with friends. The surprising results reveal being with a romantic partner actually creates the lowest levels of happiness.

What you’re doing together is the key to happiness

Hudson’s study cautions that this doesn’t mean spouses and children don’t make people happy. The biggest difference, however, rests in the activities we’re sharing with others. The study reveals the majority of time people spend with a friend involves fun, social events. On the other hand, much of the time we spend with family involves unpleasant activities such as chores.

“Our study suggests that this doesn’t have to do with the fundamental nature of kith versus kin relationships,” Prof. Hudson explains in a university release.

“When we statistically controlled for activities, the ‘mere presence’ of children, romantic partners, and friends predicted similar levels of happiness.

Thus, this paper provides an optimistic view of the family and suggests that people genuinely enjoy their romantic partners and children.”

How are people spending their time with family and friends?

New study shows that the overall time spent with a spouse or partner yields the lowest levels of happiness, compared to friends or other relatives.


DALLAS, Texas — Home may be where the heart is, but a new study finds spending time with family doesn’t always make us happy. Researchers say people tend to be happier when they’re with friends than they are with their romantic partner or children. Your family shouldn’t feel too insulted however, as a lot of it has to do with what you’re doing, not whom you’re doing it with.

Southern Methodist University professor Nathan Hudson finds people report higher levels of happiness while spending time with friends. The surprising results reveal being with a romantic partner actually creates the lowest levels of happiness.

What you’re doing together is the key to happiness

Hudson’s study cautions that this doesn’t mean spouses and children don’t make people happy. The biggest difference, however, rests in the activities we’re sharing with others. The study reveals the majority of time people spend with a friend involves fun, social events. On the other hand, much of the time we spend with family involves unpleasant activities such as chores.

“Our study suggests that this doesn’t have to do with the fundamental nature of kith versus kin relationships,” Prof. Hudson explains in a university release.

“When we statistically controlled for activities, the ‘mere presence’ of children, romantic partners, and friends predicted similar levels of happiness. Thus, this paper provides an optimistic view of the family and suggests that people genuinely enjoy their romantic partners and children.”

How are people spending their time with family and friends?

New study shows that the overall time spent with a spouse or partner yields the lowest levels of happiness, compared to friends or other relatives.


DALLAS, Texas — Home may be where the heart is, but a new study finds spending time with family doesn’t always make us happy. Researchers say people tend to be happier when they’re with friends than they are with their romantic partner or children. Your family shouldn’t feel too insulted, however, as a lot of it has to do with what you’re doing, not whom you’re doing it with.

Southern Methodist University professor Nathan Hudson finds people report higher levels of happiness while spending time with friends. The surprising results reveal being with a romantic partner actually creates the lowest levels of happiness.

What you’re doing together is the key to happiness

Hudson’s study cautions that this doesn’t mean spouses and children don’t make people happy.

The biggest difference, however, rests in the activities we’re sharing with others.

The study reveals the majority of time people spend with a friend involves fun, social events.

On the other hand, much of the time we spend with family involves unpleasant activities such as chores.

“Our study suggests that this doesn’t have to do with the fundamental nature of kith versus kin relationships,” Prof. Hudson explains in a university release.

“When we statistically controlled for activities, the ‘mere presence’ of children, romantic partners, and friends predicted similar levels of happiness. Thus, this paper provides an optimistic view of the family and suggests that people genuinely enjoy their romantic partners and children.”

How to have great sex with the one you love: G-Spot 101

How to Make Your Partner Sexually Satisfied? Good Sex Is an Acquired Skill

If you are wondering how to have good sex with a woman or how to satisfy a man in bed then know that great sex is learned.

A Long and Winding Road: Be Careful What You Wish For

 

By Jim Campbell

September 7th, 2020

Imagine this was not a true story.

Or imagine it happened to you.

The love of your life was in later life a deceitful sociopath.

She lied and was unable to tell her husband who I was.

I was told he had a terminal disease, that was 45 years ago.

We met again as adults when she was checking her daughter into the University of Hawaii.

She would describe herself as being edgy, meaning playing up to the edge which she did by having my room arranged to be an adjoining room at the Ohana Hotel.

To say we rekindled our love would be an understatement, we made the earth standstill.

Drinking, dancing, playing in the surf with lots of killer sex intermingled.

We carried on with cell phones and emails for the next six-years including great phone sex.

Was there a winning proposition for either of us in this situation?

There never is when one is dealing with a lying psychopath.

You can wake up now, it was just a dream, nothing happened to you, it happened to me.

I have no one to blame but the two of us.

Then I received a phone call with her husband crying in the background, saying, “Jim you said you never did anything inappropriate with my wife.  ??????

She was there I was there in the same room, what else did he expect?

I wish them both well.

Lesson Learned: Never become involved with a person who is married.

THE END

 

 

 

 

A Sucker for Sentiment

Sucker for Sentiment

September 7th, 2020

When your home for 6 months, surrounded by 4 walls and remodeling a kitchen during that time, one can feel like things are out of control and you tend to get a bit stir crazy.

You have a lot of time on your hands to clean.

I don’t mean to wash the floors and dust the ceiling fans clean.

I’m talking about performing a whole Marie Kondo clean. I’ve only watched the show maybe twice, but I got the gist right away.

I wanted a fresh start, new kicks, get rid of everything. Out with the old and in with the new.

My house needed a detox.

If it didn’t bring me joy, then it served no purpose in my home. Toys, clothes, shoes, knick-knacks……gone.

I still have these lunch totes and they are still Frozen fans, but hanging on by a thread.

We definitely needed to free up some storage space and get organized, so when I came across the bins of baby clothes and toys, I had to make a tough choice. Keep or let it go? I was greatly tempted to donate it all. But when I opened those bins, I automatically turned to mush, yet again, taking that trip down memory lane.

She will not let me get rid of this horse.
I miss when she used to throw it across the room.

I give all of you credit who can part with those special memories. The first Halloween costume, their favorite onesies (my favorite onesies), first pair of shoes, tiny little Christmas dress, the outfit you brought them home in from the hospital. The rattles, the first sippy cup, the first book you read to them, and the first book they read to you. And the first little lunch box you sent them off to preschool with. I have all their scribbles and scrabbles, homemade cards,and that picture that was supposed to be Mommy but looked like a one-eyed monster.

A while back when the girls outgrew the rocking chair, and the nursery became a big girl room, I no longer needed it to rock them to sleep. I regretfully sold it to a complete stranger because we simply didn’t have the space to keep it. The picture is burned into my brain when the gentleman came to pick it up. My oldest cried, begging me not to give it to him. The poor guy was put in an awkward situation, like watching a bad break up. I let the chair go knowing it would be in another happy home. I wish I never did. It was such an important part of their childhood and an important part of motherhood.

I always think about that chair, wondering if it would be weird to contact the owner so I could buy it back. But, it’s gone, lesson learned.

All these things bring me joy, and for now, I am perfectly content knowing the happiest of memories are my treasures, safe and secure right where they need to be, in plastic bins.

Yes, we still have the lovies. The youngest still can’t sleep without “doggie.”

PS. If it’s in your heart, it’s worth keeping.

And when you are all grown up and ask why you took these pictures I will tell you.

Lina Ricci

Pardon the Mess.com

THE END

Real Love and Great Sex

How to know if it’s Real Love…. or Just Great Sex?

The culture is selling us hard on the idea that sex is separate from Love. Telling us that we don’t need to mess with entanglements of Love for a solid sex life. We rarely argue with the idea because it seems straightforward enough.

After all, it’s a physical act that can be combined with a commitment, or not. We all have our world view and, in the absence of prohibition, it’s a no brainer.

Or is it? Not everyone readily accepts that sex is all they want.

Clearly, many people want something more than a purely physical release. They want to build trust and a life with someone.

What are they to do? Pretend it doesn’t matter? Fake it?

Throw caution to the wind and hope it all works out? Seems like a gamble with so much at stake. How can you know if it’s real love or just great sex?

Man and Woman in Field:
How to know if it's Real Love or just Great sex

 

If you are looking for something that lasts beyond the sunrise, there are some effective ways to parse what is purely physical from what runs deeper.

Undoubtedly, attraction is integral to finding an intimate partner. It’s important to be able to boil it affects down.

You don’t wake up one day and realize the attraction was the sole basis of your relationship.

When confirmation bias is involved, it’s not as easy as you might think.

How can you know if it’s real love or just great sex?

To start we need to consider how our brains register both.

According to  Mary Elizabeth Dean, from Better Help; a publication for counselors; the insular cortex of our brains are the center where both sexual desire and emotional Love come from. Furthermore, a 2012 study actually showed that while you can clearly choose to have sex with no emotional connection, it is actually “difficult” for us to process.

We are wired to share sex with emotional intimacy. To remove it confuses our brain and makes our relationship assessment more difficult.

Two Hands:How to know if it's Real Love or just Great sex

Is Sex More than Skin Deep?

A practical way to determine if it’s attraction, an oxytocin cocktail or something more enduring is to ask targeted questions. Here are some good ones to start with:

  1. Are your discussions interesting and do you look forward to hearing their thoughts on many subjects?
  2. Would you feel comfortable taking them on a doctor visit or a situation where they would be a comfort or support?
  3. Can you make a varied list of activities you would enjoy doing with them?
  4. Could you make a list of the qualities you respect about them?
  5. Are you willing to and excited to introduce them to people who matter to you?
  6. Do you enjoy the non-sexual times you spend together?
  7. Do you respect what they do for a career and their work ethic?
  8. Are you comfortable with how they treat other people, including service people?
  9. Do they respect your boundaries? Physical and otherwise?
  10. Do they encourage you to enjoy your own life and relationships?

How to know if it’s Real Love

If you are looking for more than the physical, how can you be sure you are headed for a relationship that has staying power? We hear about the red flags of abuse, but where are all the green flags waving? Here are some signs of Real Love:

  1. It moves at a wise pace. You aren’t being chased down the aisle before you know who they really are.
  2. You value and maintain strong relationships outside of the two of you.
  3. Each partner has a history, complete with passions and interests.
  4. They are human, not perfect.
  5. It is exciting but not over the top stimulation. “Too good to be true” is all too often, not good at all.
  6. Real Love is real kind, builds you up and pours out with wisdom. It makes your life better.

For more information on Real Love check out this article on the differences between real Love and modern Love. It highlights some points about the taking culture of Love. https://worththewar.com/what-is-modern-love-anyway/

man and woman on beach:How to know if it's Real Love or just Great sex

So, What Do You Want?

So now we can know if it’s real Love or just great sex but how can we determine what we want? We can seek sex and have it for pleasures sake, but we are wired for so much more. From our very first breath we crave connection. We want to know we are wanted for more than we can give, because we all know there are seasons we can’t give. Illness or distance can render us unable to fill the tank of the one we Love and we don’t want to wonder if they are committed for the long haul. We are free to do as we please but we are not free from the consequences. If you want a whole life that mixes the sexual with the life, Real Love offers that! Seeking real Love will satisfy you body and soul. Attraction has a shorter shelf life.

 

How to Survive Your First Serious Relationship In Which You Were Never Married

By Jim Campbell

August 11th, 2020

I have awarded myself a Ph.D. from “The good ole college of hard knocks.”

No matter how you slice or dice it unless you were a sociopath at the time or involved with one, leaving you with the inability to feel emotional pain, it sucks being on either end of the dump truck.

Yep, that starving for air was getting the wind knocked out of you if it was completely unexpected.

Yep, I remember the summer of 1967, here name was Renee.

We had gone our usual weekend date, I was about to follow her into her apartment, and she said, “Jim, wait,” I’m going to be working at Disneyland and want to go out with other guys,” ah thanks for the heads up. LOL.

The Daily Postcard: Waikiki Beach - Honolulu, Hawaii

So, I sold everything I owned, bought a one-way ticket to Hawaii with about $20.00 to my name.

Song Below: Nothing to do with the story just thanks to Renee for making it all possible.

I proceeded to have the best summer of my entire lifetime. It could not have been better.

I landed a job at a restaurant as a dishwasher and busboy that landed me a job at Avis Rent A Car in Waikiki Beach.

Talk about party central, I had a booth in the center of everything and I made myself party central.

Perfect hours? 10:AM to 5:00PM while a cadre of about 30 kids knew to see me for the evening’s party. 

Not the end, but we will call it as such.

I could write a book on that summer, after all, it was “The Summer of Love.”

THE END