By Jim Campbell
January 30, 2018
It’s not arrogance but perhaps un-awareness and self-delusion that put “The Fixers of the World:” into their assumed role of changing others without taking the time to look with in.
In fact if you are running your own business and the people working for you have not established themselves in your eyes as fixers.
It’s time to hire them.
They are the people who get the job that seems impossible to your current staff done.
That is what I was in my real world job where I called myself a “Suit.”
Think of your friends, I have a great on in my buddy Craig.
Self assured he wouldn’t think to try changing others.
Because he has is act together.
Think of others who are offering advice on how you can become a better person.
Feel comfortable around them?
I call them Toxic and make it a point to avoid them.
Life is too short to be spent with these people.
Begin Practicing the Skill of ‘Emotional Shielding’
Dr. Nina Brown, author of “Whose Life is it Anyway?
When to Stop Taking Care of Their Feelings & Start Taking Care of Your Own”
She discusses how sometimes, family members can get so swallowed by their loved ones’ problems that they lose sight of who they are and what they really want.
If this sounds familiar to you, recognize that this can result in a reduction of your self-esteem as you lose yourself trying to fix someone else.
Also, when doing so, you hinder the other’s ability to accept personal responsibility for their actions, since you are already doing that for them.
To overcome this, Brown recommends practicing the skill of “emotional shielding.”
If you get so caught up in other people’s feelings that you lose sight of your own, establish a healthy boundary.
Practice detachment from emotions of guilt and shame that can arise from the empathy that you may feel for the other, which may also lead you to do things you do not wish to do, and ultimately feel uncomfortable.
In resisting this urge, you place responsibility for the other on them and not on you, which is where it belongs in the first place.
Mirroring Styles of Communication
According to Gray, men first and foremost require love that is “trusting, accepting and appreciative,” while women’s main requirement is for love that is “caring, understanding and respectful.
When the urge to fix someone comes up, resist that urge by providing emotional support and understanding of the other person’s feelings concerning a problem, rather than giving advice or trying to solve the issue for them.
Recognize that acting on the belief that you have more knowledge than others as to what is good for them is a sign that you’re trying to fix them.
The Difference Between Male and Female Brains
To gain a deeper understand of this, take a look at the biological differences between men and women. Dr. Louann Brizendine, author of “The Male Brain” and “The Female Brain,” describes the female brain as a lean, mean communicating machine, and the male brain as a lean, mean, problem-solving machine.
“When faced with a loved one’s emotional distress, a man’s brain will immediately spark in the area for problem solving and fixing the situation, where a woman’s will spark in the areas of providing emotional support, listening and empathizing with their loved one.”
This is not unusual for children at an early age raised by caring parents make their behavior axiomatic.
In other words, women are wired to focus on expressing emotions, while men are more wired for action.
This is rooted in a hormonal biological structure.
“In the female brain, the hormones estrogen, progesterone, and oxytocin predispose brain circuits toward female-typical behaviors.
In the male brain, it’s testosterone, vasopressin and a hormone called MIS (Mullerian inhibiting substance) that have the earliest and most enduring effects.”
The unique structure of the male and female brains determines how each one thinks, what they value, and how they communicate.
By recognizing and exploring the differences between one another, you can discover ways to accept people as they are and consequently improve your relationships.
It Takes Two to Tango