When is the best time to tell you very young children that you are getting divorced

By Jim Campbell with a little help from professionals.

 

 

 

 

Nathalie C. Theodore, JD, LCSW

“Telling kids about divorce or separation is a difficult conversation, but an essential one that shouldn’t be delayed. Kids are smart, and may very well sense the tension at home, so it’s important for mom and dad to address their concerns as soon as possible.

Matthew James and Emily Jane: Emily already knows because she tells me she misses you Heatherytelling me on our face time chats that you are living with Grandma.

I recommend that couples going through a divorce with kids first create a plan as to how and when to break the news and tell the children about their divorce. Ideally, the conversation should happen in person, with both parents and all children present.

Kaily is old enough will likely just go with the flow and keep having fun at college.

Parents should also anticipate any questions their kids may have and how to answer them. Children may need some time to process the news, so make sure to let them know that they can talk to either parent whenever they need to.

If your child is having trouble coping with the divorce, a therapist can help them develop tools to work through their feelings during this difficult time.”

To learn more about Nathalie, visit her profile on Psychology Today.

 

 

THE END

The Differences Between the Male and Female Brain and its Relationship to a Loving Relationship

By Jim Campbell

November 16th, 2019

The individual putting on the show is obviously a very funny guy and a great comedian.

Is this really the type of relationship we are looking for,?

It will likely be filled with acrimony with one partner playing “Get Back, while perhaps the female will withdraw and be submissive.

 

There’s a debate going on in the scientific community as to whether or not the unique characteristics of men and women have a physiological basis.

The male brain is about 10% larger, but size doesn’t matter here. After all, elephants have brains that are three times larger and have more neurons than humans, but we don’t see them doing brain surgery, and it’s not just because they don’t have fingers.

Let me pause here to lay out the facts for you.

Though you believe you can change him, in all likelihood you won’t and because you cant.

Men, it’s absolutely the same for you.

 

This sounds pretty convincing, right? Well, not to everyone. There are researchers who argue the other side—even if the adult male and female brains are wired differently, it’s a huge leap to say that these differences are programmed in at birth. There are socio-cultural factors at work.

Brain connections change as a result of experience and learning. When the same signals are processed over and over, those neural networks get stronger, just as muscles or skills develop with usage and practice.

Male and female brains may start out similar but become different over time as boys and girls are treated differently, and for whom there are different expectations. How we’re brought up plays a major role in how we act, think, and believe and our brains may adapt accordingly.

So if you are not interested in developing a relationship in the near future, you will at least have a scientific basis for the understanding of why you react the way you do from a biological perspective.

Some researchers argue that the brains of men and women are wired differently. The male brain is wired from front to back, with few connections across the two hemispheres. Women, on the other hand, have more wiring from left to right, so the two hemispheres are more inter-connected.

Without getting into the neurological details, researchers propose that these wiring differences result in men and women having different strengths.

So, while we mentioned that one sex is not better than the other overall, each is better, on average, in certain respects. Here are some of the findings:

Men are better at performing single tasks; women are better at multi-tasking.

·Women are better at attention, word memory and social cognition, and verbal abilities.

·Men are better at spatial processing and sensorimotor speed.

Women are better at fine-motor coordination and retrieving information from long-term memory

Women are more oriented toward and have better memories of faces, men of things.

Men are better at visualizing a two- or three-dimensional shape rotated in space, at correctly determining angles from the horizontal, at tracking moving objects, and at aiming projectiles.

In finding their way, men rely more on dead reckoning – that is, they determine their position from the direction and distance traveled. Women tend to rely more on landmarks.

Unfortunately, there are also gender-specific tendencies that are not so good. Women are more prone to experience depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. Men are more likely to suffer from schizophrenia, dyslexia, and autism, and to become alcoholic or drug-dependent. These are proposed to result from their distinctive wiring patterns.

We know that men and women react differently from an emotional perspective, and that, researchers argue, may also have to do with brain issues. The female brain has greater blood flow in the cingulate gyrus, the part of the brain that’s involved in processing emotions, resulting in more intense emotional reactions and stronger emotional memories.

There are also some sex-specific behaviors that seem to be innate, not learned. Since behaviors are initiated by our brains, this suggests there some hard-wiring going on.

The female brain also has more wiring in the areas that play a role in social cognition and verbal communication.

That may be why they’re better at empathizing with others, have a better sense of what is happening around them, and are richer in their verbal descriptions.

Because there’s less connectivity in the male brain between their verbal centers, and their emotions and memories, they’re not as effective as communicators, and that may be why they also tend to have less interest in conversations.

During activities, the male brain uses much more gray matter while the female brain uses more white matter. This difference is believed to account for the greater ability of males to focus on a specific task to the exclusion of what’s happening around them, while women are better at switching between tasks.

A reasonable conclusion is that it’s both—there may be neurological differences, but there are also cultural influences.

The percent of differences that are neurological vs. societal/cultural (i.e. nature vs. nurture) is anybody’s guess at this point in time.

This debate is likely to continue for quite some time. At least that gives researchers something to do.

If you find yourself about to get involved with this type of individual, run, don’t walk to the nearest train station and leave for places unknown.

Never look back.

THE END

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Why are Divorce Rates Rising In Americans?

By Jim Campbell

November 12th, 2019

It looks like the Baby Boomers are making history again.

Well, the Boomers have done it again.

You say you want a revolution?

It’s here, all right, in the form of record divorce rates among older Americans. Demographers have dubbed it “the gray divorce.”

Absolutely, younger couples with less time invested can find it equally difficult, while others cut and run never looking back.

Don’t be too hard on yourselves.

It’s not a personal one-way failure, there are two different personalities involved and you were likely young kids when you got married.

Some couples stay together for fear of the unknown, as well as being alone.

Those financial assets including a home in a community property state, the major breadwinner can find the financial aspect of divorce completely devastating.

Behold: Community Property and Divorce are not always 50-50 in community property states.

The woe is me, I’m old and broken down syndrome.

 

Divorce rates are rising among older Americans, even as they fall among younger Americans.
The latest data come from researchers at the National Center for Family and Marriage Research, who have just released a report comparing divorce rates by age group in 1990 and 2017.

Among the youngest age groups, divorce rates have declined sharply, by about 40 percent among 15-24-year-olds and about 30 percent among 25-34-year-olds.

 

A major consideration, what’s best for our children and how will be deal with that?

Major acrimony can exist over child support payments when one of the parents decides to may the payments late.

This is not uncommon particularly among the partner who believes, rightly or wrongly got the shaft.

However, among older age groups the trend in divorce rates is the opposite, increasing about 40% at ages 45-54 and over 100% among people aged 55 and up.

Overall, divorce rates are still highest among the youngest age groups, but the gap between the young and the old is much smaller than it was before.

So, what is going on?

Most likely, this is one more manifestation of the Boomer’s radical individualism. They’ve been a strikingly individualistic generation from the start. It was their individualism that created a “generation gap” between them and their more conforming, conventional parents.

The radical individualism of the Boomer generation affected their views of marriage—and divorce.

It was Boomers who popularized the idea of the “soul mate” marriage.

Previous generations mostly viewed marriage as a necessary partnership between two adults, in which the man would do things societally expected of men at the time like taking out the garbage and bringing home the bacon, and the woman things societally expected of women and the time like changing diapers and cooking meals.

Love was nice, if that was included, although you didn’t expect much of it, especially after a few years had gone by.

But the Boomers raised their expectations for marriage. The new ideal became a perfect melding of souls, an ideal match between two unique but complementary individuals.

That’s a lot to ask from a life-long relationship, and sure enough, the soul-mate marriage was often followed by the disillusioned divorce. Boomers married at rates about the same as their parents, but their marriages ended in divorce in their twenties and thirties at higher rates than any generation before them.

Today, they are still looking for love, and if they are not finding it with their spouse, they are willing to face the disruption and pain of divorce in order to seek a new partner.

Their children, and especially their grandchildren, are a lot less boundary-breaking and a lot more careful.

My research shows that since 1990, young people’s rates of risky behavior have gone way down, for everything from alcohol and drug use to risky sex to reckless driving.

They’re more careful about love, too.

They marry later—now close to thirty, almost a decade later than the Boomers did—and marrying later gives them to time to grow up as individuals and accumulate financial resources before they make that commitment.

The Boomers’ individualism has caused a lot of upheaval in American society, but there have been benefits, too.

It was their individualism that drove their push for societal changes like greater equality of opportunity for women and ethnic minorities and greater rights for sexual minorities.

Even their high divorce rates are positive in some ways. Divorce may be sad, but it’s not nearly as sad as being stuck in a loveless, unhappy marriage.

For both partners, it provides a chance to start again in their pursuit of happiness.

The Boomers have fewer life-long marriages than previous generations did, but they also have fewer unhappy marriages from which there is no escape.

Indeed.

H/T to Kathy McCoy Ph.D.

Psychology Today

THE END

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Your Facial Expressions Are As Good As Keys To The Locked Up Emotions of Your Soul

 

By Jim Campbell

November 11th, 2019

But you thought you knew that, didn’t you?

Have you ever wondered why babies smile?

I’m guessing the same reason adults do.

Unless you are an actor or an actress playing a role and trying to fake a frown or a smile, you will likely feel better when you are even acting.

 

 

Babies have every changing emotions, one minute they are laughing uncontrollably the next they can be crying.

File them under who knows.

 

Of course, older people smile.

Group of older people’s get together

 

Psychology Today
By Meg Silas, Ph.D

The Shadow of Your Smile

Even though smiling is good for your health, your relationships and your appearance be aware of these six things:

1. Trying to avoid negative emotions just to appear youthful or thin or even eternally positive can eventually have a psychological cost. Know yourself and be aware of what each of your emotions might be telling you. Then decide whether to put on a happy face or not.

2. Other people can detect a fake smile, as opposed to a genuine “Duchenne smile,” named for the neurologist who identified these two smile types. So if you decide to smile to help yourself feel better, try to make it real for yourself—it will also come across as real to others. Find your inner reservoir of happiness and gratitude, and drink from it. 

3. A smirky smile when you’ve beaten others in a contest will not help you win friends and influence people, according to the research described here. Or, as your mom may have said, “Wipe that smile off your face!”

4. Some smiles are associated with discomfort or uncertainty about what to do in a difficult situation. For example, this blog by Ron Riggio points to studies showing that women who are sexually harassed, however mildly, may feel they have to “grin and bear it” in a work situation. Their fake and fearful smiles undoubtedly do not produce the feel-good chemicals that accompany an authentic smile. 

5. In some parts of the world, such as the former Soviet Union, smiling can be judged as suspicious, shallow, naive, or a sign of dishonesty. Many find truth in the line of the joke that says, “If you are smiling, you simply don’t understand the situation.” See more here.

6. Smiling can come across as submissive in certain situations. 

One thing I realized from reading through the smile research is that your dentist may indeed be your best friend. Improving your smile can be a beneficial investment. In any event, numerous studies show that making the most of your smile can be good for you and for those around you.

“When you’re smiling, when you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you.” Yes, the old song is right; smiles are contagious! But that’s just one of the superpowers of a smile. 

Various researchers have already compiled a long list of the benefits of smiling. Now, new research from the University of Missouri-Kansas City (UMKC) adds two more reasons to that list. I’ll start with the recent news and then list other known superpowers of smiles. 

But, even a wonderful act like smiling has a downside, so at the end of this post I’ll relay a few warnings. 

Two Smiley Faces for This Research

This is what the researchers at UMKC recently discovered:

1. Smiling can make you look younger. 

Even if there were no other benefits to smiling, I’m sure many of us would be grateful just for this one.

The UMKC researchers tested the popular theory that smiling might cause others to perceive you as being younger than you actually are.

Sure enough, in a small study, college students perceived older people who had happy smiles on their faces as looking younger than their age. The people with frowns on their faces were categorized as looking older.

Here’s my theory about this: A smile provides you with a mini-facelift.

Turning up the corners of your mouth raises your entire face, including cheeks, jowls, and neck. Try it now! Instead of spending $15,000 or more on a facelift, just smile.

2. Smiling can make you look thinner. In a recent study by a young psychology student at UMKC, sad faces randomized and flashed on a computer screen were judged to be heftier.

This is a surprising conclusion; I can only speculate that a mouth turned down in a frown might give the impression that a person is weighed down by unhappiness. In any event, I sense a bestseller here: The Smile Diet

More Research to Grin About

Here are seven more reasons to smile that I gleaned from past research:

3. Smiling elevates your mood and creates a sense of well-being. As a behavioral psychologist, Sarah Stevenson writes in at this site, “Each time you smile you throw a little feel-good party in your brain.”

The notorious party animals dopamine, endorphins, and serotonin start whooping it up when you smile. And a bonus: those endorphins serve as natural pain relievers and act as the body’s own opiates.

4. Smiling induces more pleasure in the brain more than chocolate. I know you don’t believe this.

I don’t believe it either. But according to Ron Gutman, the author of Smile: The Astonishing Powers of a Simple Act, “British researchers found that one smile can generate the same level of brain stimulation as up to 2,000 bars of chocolate.” Where do I sign up for the next experiment? And what happened to the person who ate 2,000 bars of chocolate? I’d like to interview him.

5. Even a forced smile can lead to a mood boost. Usually, we think that a positive experience is what makes us smile. While this is true, it’s also true that merely deciding to smile can provide a positive experience. As Buddhist author Thich Nhat Hanh said, “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.” Even research subjects directed to place a pencil between their teeth, forcing their lips into a smile, actually feel better. Odd, but true.

So if you’re feeling down in the dumps, smiling will give you a boost—if you can get your moody self to smile. Remember that changing your behavior by smiling can change your inner feelings. In other words, if you “Put On a Happy Face,” you will actually feel happier.

6. Smiles can predict fulfillment in marriage. In a study cited by Gutman, the Smile author, the smiles of students were measured, and these ultimately predicted how long-lasting and satisfying the person’s marriage would be. Right! Who wants to live with a grouch?

7. Smiling makes you seem courteous, likable, and competent. Those first two qualities seem logical, but smiling makes you seem competent? Speculation: If you look sad or anxious, perhaps others wonder if you know what you are doing. So perhaps a simple smile might be a shortcut to business success.

8. The span of a person’s smile can predict the life span.

A 2010 Wayne State University research project studied pre-1950s major league player baseball cards. According to Gutman, “

The researchers found that the span of a player’s smile could actually predict the span of his life.

Players who didn’t smile in their pictures lived an average of only 72.9 years, where players with beaming smiles lived an average of almost 80 years.” Is a smile worth seven years extra years of life to you?

9. Smiling is contagious. As mentioned at the beginning of this blog, smiling is contagious. It’s not just celebrities, but YOU who can light up a room if you enter smiling. If you like to help others and lift the spirits of everyone you see, just smile.

The Shadow of Your Smile

Even though smiling is good for your health, your relationships and your appearance be aware of these six things:

1. Trying to avoid negative emotions just to appear youthful or thin or even eternally positive can eventually have a psychological cost. Know yourself and be aware of what each of your emotions might be telling you. Then decide whether to put on a happy face or not.

2. Other people can detect a fake smile, as opposed to a genuine “Duchenne smile,” named for the neurologist who identified these two smile types.

So if you decide to smile to help yourself feel better, try to make it real for yourself—it will also come across as real to others. Find your inner reservoir of happiness and gratitude, and drink from it. 

3. A smirky smile when you’ve beaten others in a contest will not help you win friends and influence people, according to the research described here.

Or, as your mom may have said, “Wipe that smile off your face!”

4. Some smiles are associated with discomfort or uncertainty about what to do in a difficult situation.

5. In some parts of the world, such as the former Soviet Union, smiling can be judged as suspicious, shallow, naive, or a sign of dishonesty.

Many find truth in the line of the joke that says, “If you are smiling, you simply don’t understand the situation.” See more here.

6. Smiling can come across as submissive in certain situations. 

One thing I realized from reading through the smile research is that your dentist may indeed be your best friend. Improving your smile can be a beneficial investment. In any event, numerous studies show that making the most of your smile can be good for you and for those around you. 

THE END

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Is it possible to become more peaceful than this?

By Jim Campbell

November 9th, 2019

First Snow At The Cabin

If you want to get away from it all having an off-grid cabin in the woods is the perfect place to spend a weekend.

The cabin has 300 sq ft of living space including a sleeping loft.

If you’ve ever dreamed of building a cabin and living off-grid then watch Build A Cabin In The Woods to see how this man created his dream spot in the wilderness of Canada.

The music alone is so relaxing, one could use it to meditate.

Just think, no internet, no news, no big-screen television.

If you know of a better place, please let me know in the comments section below.

THE END

 

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Two Things That Terrify Men In A Relationship

November 8th, 2109
In order to become a dominant man, and keep your wife, or lady friend from dominating you, it is important to watch the short video below.
Two Things That Terrify All Men - And How to Help Without Him Knowing

Two Things That Terrify All Men – And How to Help Without Him Knowing

Even though he’s dying to read this article, he would never let you catch him doing it. And he certainly won’t admit to wanting to know if his deep, dark secrets are hanging out like underwear on a clothesline.

He will never tell you any of this… but I will.

Before we start, I have two warnings for you…

First, this isn’t a complete list. But these are the two biggest ones. (I’ll write more articles on other ones later.

Second, I’m not telling you so you can shame him. I’m doing this so you can help him and be closer to him.

But you have to be sneaky so that he doesn’t know.

Be nice to your man – he worships the ground you walk on, and believe me, he knows a few of your dirty little secrets, too.

On to the good part, shall we?

You know that whole thing about how guys want way more sex than women do? It’s not true.

Many women want it way more than a lot of guys do, we just want it under different terms.

He just… wants it. Every possible way he can imagine it.

With your sister, your mom, the librarian (definitely the librarian), the teenager snapping her gum behind the cash register.

Think I’m joking? He’s even had a dirty fantasy about that weird shopping cart lady.

Sex movies of every description (multiple lovers, bondage, fetish, you name it) run in his brain nearly all the time, and sometimes what’s showing on the screen shocks even him.

Deep down, he’s terrified that he wants sex too much, or in the wrong ways, with the wrong people.

His sex drive is a formidable machine, and it’s a testament to his power that he doesn’t let it drive his life, only his brain.

Here’s What YOU Can Do to Help

If you want him to feel less afraid about his sexual desires, you need to create an atmosphere of openness in your intimate life with him…

Now, let’s be clear… I’m not saying you have to DO everything that he THINKS about.

But you do have to be willing to ask him to talk about his fantasies and avoid shaming, attacking, or disrespecting him because of them.

Instead, try inviting him to give you steamy details. Just the act of sharing can be a tremendous gift of sexual energy between the two of you.

This will help him learn to make YOU the star of his sexual fantasies instead of some generic woman he thinks up in his mind, even if all you do is tell him a dirty story during foreplay.

And finally, remember to let him know that you’re sexually satisfied! If you can do this, he’s going to become so riveted by you he’ll never want to let you go.

EVERY man wants to know he can sexually satisfy a woman.

GUY FEAR #2: Other Men Think I’m Weak

You’ve gotta have some compassion for the expectations placed on men…

They’re expected to get a respectable paycheck, make women feel secure, (not think about sex so much), beat out the other guys, support the winning team, be tough, overcome all the obstacles in their way, scare away the bad guys, and never show fatigue, fear, or ANYthing except sheer strength and confidence.

Let’s be honest, it’s a lot to live up to.

Actually, it’s pretty much impossible to live up to.

And yet that’s the challenge they hear every single day. And if they don’t answer it – actually DOMINATE it – their fear is that they will be publicly shamed, humiliated, despised…

Not so much by you or by other women (although they hate the idea of that, too), but by other MEN.

But that doesn’t mean YOU don’t have power. Every man wants a woman who is unreservedly, whole-heartedly ON HIS SIDE. Your support actually adds to his power in the world of other men.

Here’s How You Can Help…

I have a question for you: if he’s fighting his way through the field of his life, do you ever even show up to support him? And if you do, can he hear your enthusiastic, genuine support?

I’m not saying you have to actually get out your cheerleader skirt and shimmy and shout (although he’ll probably appreciate that, see #1 above!), but there IS a way to let him know you’re seeing how hard he works, and you want him to win.

Encourage him to tell you about his daily battles. Lean in and attentively soak up every bit.

Ask for details. Don’t multitask while you’re doing this; give him your full focus. Be his raving fan.

And offer him your sincere admiration. Let him know how strong you find him, how amazing his accomplishments and abilities are. If you can make him feel like you believe in him and are on his side no matter what, you are going to ADDICT him to you.

3 Steps to Make a Man Love You

If you’re sick of “Bad Boys,” “Players” and guys who just won’t commit, you need to go watch this new video renowned relationship expert Michael Fiore put up. It’s called “3 Steps To Make A Man Love You” and it teaches you how to make a man not just “fall” for you.

But to actually make him obsessed with you so HE decides he WANTS to be serious…

Michael lays out the absolute truth about what men really want and need from a woman for them to be able to give EVERYTHING to her…

(In fact, he flat out tells you how his girlfriend Captured His Heart and made him fall for her HARD even though he was “playing the field” and thought he’d never settle down.)

These days things are a little different for this former “player”…

Now, all that delicious woman-tingling action goes to ONE special lady.

And now you can find out exactly how to command the complete devotion of a man of your own.

THE END

 

 

 

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How to Keep the Pop in a Relationship

By Jim Campbell

Relationship Coach

Indeed, it’s up to us and our partners to make our relationships fun and healthy.

Do the unexpected and unplanned.

Bring home flowers for no special reason.

Cook special meals

Go to the Beach, Walk in the sun.

Go to a rock concert

 

The Eagles and the Beatles get the job done nicely.

THE END

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